About Bathrooms

There are several things you need to consider about bathrooms and the need for these facilities. It may seem trivial to those who have not delved into the subject sufficiently, but I hope this discussion will help launch lavatorial learners on a path to a deeper understanding.

This discussion will deal only with "Number One" since Number Two is more complex and the mathematics would likely involve functional analysis. We can examine numero uno using only simple arithmetic, and at most, basic differential calculus which, in this case, is math related, but could also refer to a mineral deposit in a pitiful powder room.

There are three items that I'll attempt to quantify in this article:

• 1) the urgency, rated on a scale from 0-10 (even though only 1-10 have practical use);
• 2) the rate of change of urgency also scaled from zero to infinity;
• 3) the acceptability of a restroom (public or private) also an integer from 0 to 10.

So, let's dive in. Er... maybe not the right term, in this case, but let's begin.

I. The Urgency Level (NTP=Need to Pee)

0 - Zero is relatively meaningless, because, if your NTP == 0, then you're not really concerned with the availability of a depository for the non-existent, unless you're just one who likes to be prepared. Otherwise, it becomes a simple existential concept.

1 - You don't really have to go and if, for example, you were asked to produce a specimen for, say, a lab test or a drug test, but you absentmindedly used the lobby restroom on your way to the lab -- and if it IS for a drug test, then this behavior is probably needs no explanation -- you just couldn't do it. This is a one on the NTP scale.

2 - You could possibly squeeze out a drop for the lab tech, but it wouldn't be a lot and you'd probably still have to go home, drink a lot of water and come back later, hopefully not absentmindedly using the lobby restroom on the way.

3 - This is the level at which one first, maybe subconsciously, becomes aware of the possibility, however slight, but the urge is not nearly strong enough to distract you from what you were previously doing, and, unless you're preparing to go in the car, in which case, remembering what your mother always told you, you go to the bathroom.

4 - It's still not quite a primary need in your life, but, yeah, you'd go if the Hulu movie was at a good stopping point. However, if it's not streaming (TV, that is), you'll probably just sublimate the need and go on with what you were doing. It still would be only a convenience at this point.

5 - You're entering the realm of needing to go. You might do it if you just happen to pass the bathroom, or if you're not going to have an opportunity for another hour or so. But, you're not going to stop the tennis match, volleyball game, softball game -- and you certainly wouldn't leave your cards on the poker table knowing your cheating friends would undoubtedly peek at your hole cards -- or, for that matter, any other group activity just so you can take care of business. 

6 - OK... now you think you'd better start making plans. If you're in bed and it's a cold night, you'll try to hang on till 7, or 8. If you stop thinking about it, it just might go away.

7 - You're definitely going to take care of this before you start a new movie, sit down with another beer. You're actively scouting unknown territory for a suitable repository.

8 - This is now urgent. If you're driving, you start looking for a secluded spot on the highway. If you're in town, panic is just under the surface. Your mother's words, "you should have thought of that", echo through your mind.

9 - No more Mr. Niceguy (or Ms. Nicegal). Avoidance behaviors such as leg-crossing, crotch grabbing, and hopping may occur. It's hard to concentrate on anything else. You're reduced to a "need-to-pee creature" and nothing more. In the car, you might scout for an empty wider-mouthed water bottle. If you're in town, stuck in freeway traffic -- forget it, you're out of luck, and just accept that you're going to have to pee in front of a bunch of people you don't know, and will never see again, so, who cares?

10 - You create excuses for why your clothes are damp and hope your associates are stupid, your friends are in the same boat as you, or strangers -- who cares -- as with NTP=9, you'll never see them again. Many a good bum got his start this way.

B. The Rate of Increase (ROI)

Before we can discuss how Urgency relates to Facilities, we need to examine the concept of Rate of Increase (ROI). ROI may be calculated using the methods of functional extrapolation and differential calculus. If you're not hip to the trig trip, you can still use this concept.

To determine the ROI, use some handy graph paper. Don't worry because you can make use of this later if no toilet paper is available. On the X-axis, chart the time, beginning with when your current NTP, say, NTP==3. The divisions can be 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever. Small enough to be meaningful, but not so small that you run out of space of the page, in which case, you'll just have to start another page. I'll leave it to the reader to deal with this conundrum.

Then, on the Y-axis, plot your NTP, from 0 to 10 as explained in section A. If you're being sensitive to your body's needs -- and why would you lie to your body about its needs? -- urgency will proceed upward as time progresses. Connect the dots with the smoothest line or curve possible. 

Once you have significant data, you can determine your ROI. If you want to be scientific, then use functional extrapolation and approximation to create a function that somewhat accurately predicts Urgency at some point in the future dependent upon Time. We'll express this as "y = f(x)", where y is NTP and x is Time. If when you connect the dots, it's a straight line, you can pretty accurately determine how long it will be before you either compromise in your restroom standards, or you start your decent into bum-hood. Likewise, if the shape of the connected dots looks like an upside-down umbrella, then the mathematician extrapolates the function, y = f(x), takes the first derivative of the function at the current time and this number can be used as the ROI. The more "closed" the umbrella, the sooner you have to figure out what to do: rest stop, bushes, or goodbye polite life.

C. Facility Rating (FR)

The Facility Rating (FR) is directly related to the Urgency. It's obvious that a restroom that is entirely unacceptable at NTP==3, may look like a desert oasis at NTP==8. FR has a simple numeric relationship to UL and that is FR = 10 - UL. It's that simple. 

Here are some qualitative observations to go along with the numeric value.

10 - This rating is of no practical value because it relates to the UL-0. You don't have to go so why would you select this restroom except to admire the fine architecture. Or, maybe you just have that kind of inquiring mind? FR==10 is exceptional, spotlessly clean, probably has attendants passing out initialed hand towels -- with YOUR initials.

9, 8, 7 - An FR==9, 8, 7 corresponds to an NTP==1, 2 or 3. Since you really have no need, you can be very selective and choose from one of the following:

    FR==9: The restroom in a private home, perhaps your own home. It is maintained in fastidious fashion: clean towels; full roll of soft toilet paper; pristine white toilet bowl with sparkling clear fill; mood lighting; current reading material (though this is not a requirement for the NTP scale.)

    FR==8: The facility might be in the home of a family with one or more teenage children, but they have been well trained to urinate IN the toilet, not just in the general vicinity of the fixture. There may be a variety of personal items scattered about -- toothbrushes, combs, razors, etc. -- but generally no crack pipes, hypodermic needles, or actual filth on required surfaces. Towels are possibly just wet, used bath towels. Don't worry. Hands air dry quickly. Toilet paper is either sufficiently full, or a backup roll is in plain view.

    FR==7: Examples of a facility at this level include: casino restroom; hotel lobby restrooms; restrooms in homes of bachelor friends; Buk-ee's Travel Centers. Don't expect these places to be featured in "American Restroom" magazine, but you don't need a tetanus booster before entering.

FR==6, 5, 4: You have entered the realm of the needy, and you can no longer be a connoisseur. You may have to opt for one of the following:

    FR==6: If you have to lift the lid (if there is, in fact, a lid), you'll likely want to do this with a protective wrap of toilet paper (if there is, in fact, toilet paper.) On the plus side, a strong FR==6 will have running water -- maybe even hot and cold -- and some kind of blow drier. For women, you'll want to keep about a 2" air gap between you and the fixture, and you'll probably want to hold your breath. For men, this experience might serve as a reminder of why we don't put shoes on furniture.

    FR==5: Best illustrated by examples: abandoned filling station restrooms; facilities in public parks; turnpike rest stops; dive bar restrooms. Don't expect locks on the doors, gals. Men -- your lack of aim is what made these 5s what they are today.

    FR==4: Again, best illustrated by a single example: porta-potty at the fairgrounds. May be inhabited by swarms of flies, bees, or both. Nose holding is optional.

FR==3: Corresponding to an NTP of 7, you are beyond being selective at this level and you considerable widen your definition of a restroom/facility/bathroom. In this category: a tree away from others; a bush providing concealment; shoulder of the road with no cars in sight.

FR==2: Examples: a tree in the middle of the picnic (who cares who sees you); a bush that provides cover from the waist down, at least five feet from others; shoulder of a busy road.

FR==1: Examples: stairwell; gutter; alley; trash bin; parked car; fire hydrant (works for dogs); sidewalk; store entryway. At this level of NTP, the world is your restroom. 

FR==0: OK... you peed yourself, so there's no use in discussing facilities. You're not really fit for meeting the public and, to tell the truth, I don't know what you're going to do now. You're on your own.

D. In Conclusion

If you really thought there would be any useful content in this diatribe, then apologize for deliberately wasting your time, which you can never recover. Too bad.